Monthly Archives: February 2010

To Women Who are Seeking… just a few thoughts for you.

Posted on February 27, 2010 | 5 Comments

A man should desire a woman. If a man is not pursuing you, he doesn’t want you.

A man must have enough aggression in his nature to pursue, if not he will likely be passive in other areas of his life. However, say the man is indeed aggressive in other areas. His lack of pursuit should be an even clearer signal to you that he is not the right man or that you are not the right woman. “If he can pursue other things, but doesn’t choose you, he might like you, but he doesn’t like you enough. He still has someone else in mind. He is still searching.”

Trust Your Heart and Employ Your Mind.

A man’s initial attraction to a woman can lead him to make promises he can’t keep even though there may be sincerity in his speech. There are also instances, where a man will lie and deceive you. However, know that in many cases the deception originates from the woman. As you mentally explore the possibilities of a future, be careful that you acknowledge the power of your imagination. Don’t attach your desires to a man’s words. Listen to his words and see that his actions are in line.

“There is a difference between a broken promise and a lie, but the resulting disappointment is the same.

A man does not have to be a liar to break your heart.”

Employ Your Mind and Protect Your Heart.

Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. ~ Proverbs 4:23

And last, but not least… Never make someone a priority who only sees you as an option.

© Primary Thoughts, Inc. 2009

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Just Been Duped! The “Awareness Stream”

Posted on February 22, 2010 | 5 Comments

I know I said the next post would be a continuation from the Pendulum, but I haven’t written that one yet, and… I still have some older content that I’m republishing, so here goes an oldie, but goody. I will try to pump out “I AM A SUPER-PARENT’S KID: Shoot Me Now” ASAP! Until then, enjoy and yes, timing is everything…

What’s the fad in the relationship game now days? Let me ask… in the past 6 months, how many conversations have you had about truth, awareness, transparency, wholeness, openness, etc.? I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve been on that path for some time now… and whenever I hear a man utter these words; I have to say my attention rises. The intonation of his voice causes me to catch every syllable of his words and massage them with my mind. So, how do I know if he’s genuine or lying, wanting to ride the waves of the “Awareness Stream”?

trickle @ primarythoughts.net

The water is refreshing down this stream. It seems calm… do you hear my trickle? Makes him want to dip his toes to feel its cool wetness. Enamored by beauty, he sees the steam that rises from my body as my warmth combines with the cool water of my truth. Looks so good, he’s aroused by the drops of water dangling from my lips as I speak.

He wants to reap the benefits of my exploration. He tells me he wants to bare his warmth and slip deep inside to experience the uninhibited passion that comes from being free; he wants to be wide open and feel my truth… s srip itch!?!!! (as the needle is ripped from the record). Sorry, you’ve just been duped!

So, is he for real? Or have I attached my truth to his words? How do I discern his truth? Is he a liar? Why would he lie? Why would anyone lie, man or woman?

Well, don’t let them tell you that they aren’t good at lying – people are good liars. Period. It’s estimated that well over 95% of the lies that people tell never get discovered (sorry still laughing… I know yall wanted more). Researchers have found that babies as young as 6 months old are able to mislead their parents. The actual act of lying (through verbal communication) is a natural skill which we develop starting around 3 years of age. So basically, you learned how to lie very early on as your communication skills were being developed.

We recently discussed on The Hill that there are different types of lying. Well, I did some research to see if we were off-base in our comments and we were right on (kudos! to those on the discussion). Most lies are told to protect ourselves and to protect other people’s feelings. Most people believe that they lie to protect other people’s feelings, but study’s show that’s not the case.

Reverting back to my comments on the development stages of lying… children learn how to lie to protect themselves long before they learn how to lie to protect other’s feelings. Children naturally develop protective lying in order to safeguard self, to keep from getting in trouble. Think about it, parents just don’t spend a lot of one–on–one time teaching their children how to cover their mistakes. We don’t. On the flip side, lying to protect someone else’s feelings is learned through adult observation or coaching; it is a more difficult skill for the child to learn. Through observation, they see Dad tell Mom that the 20 pound donut around her waist is just more to love. In some cases that may be true, but that same child also picks up on when Pops eyes bug out as the cutie with the tight abs in the low cut jeans passes by. The child may not draw direct lines between the different situations as adults do, but studies show that the connections are made. Even if Daddy never looked at the cutie and did love that extra cushion that his wife carries, the child’s perception of love can be skewed by our societal influences that slim beauties are the most loved. Through parental coaching, Daddy pats little Susie on the bottom… “go tell your Auntie that you liked the green dress with the aqua colored ruffles around the collar.” Now little Susie knows that she hates that dress, it’s ugly and it caused a rash around her neck when her Momma made her wear it to church last Sunday, but Daddy’s little girl needs to make him happy and her Auntie feel appreciated. One little white lie carries a lot of happiness. Hmm…

When people are asked to pay attention to their behavior, they are often surprised at how often they lie. Lying comes too naturally with little consciousness, thought or planning. Overall, as adults people lie simply because they can. It’s supported by our life long experiences, lying brings forth happiness and truth brings forth pain and disappointment. But, I throw caution to the wind; don’t hold too tightly to your worldly experiences…

Unconsciously, we think that resisting, hiding, ignoring pain will bring forth happiness. We think if we only think good thoughts the pain of truth will never rear its head. Some of us, those on the “Awareness Stream” have figured out that this attempt to control emotions or life only compounds and delays the inevitable. We understand that truth does often bring forth pain initially, but through the process we learn compassion, find trust and discover true love. We gain knowledge. We gain wisdom.

I caution you while you’re on your path to wholeness. Don’t get duped by someone on the “Awareness Stream”… (giggles). Your first relationship is with God. He is the only pure truth. We are from God, for God’s purpose.

I leave you with the following passage: 1 John 4:1-12.

1 Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into the world. 2 This is how you can recognize the Spirit of God: Every spirit that acknowledges that Jesus Christ has come in the flesh is from God, 3 but every spirit that does not acknowledge Jesus is not from God. This is the spirit of the antichrist, which you have heard is coming and even now is already in the world.

4 You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world. 5 They are from the world and therefore speak from the viewpoint of the world, and the world listens to them. 6 We are from God, and whoever knows God listens to us; but whoever is not from God does not listen to us. This is how we recognize the Spirit of truth and the spirit of falsehood.

7 Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 9 This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. 10 This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. 11 Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 12 No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.

Protect your heart, Employ your mind. Seek Truth.

Much love,

~Melanie

© Primary Thoughts, Inc 2009

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The Pendulum: Yes, You’re Creating a HOt MeSS!

Posted on February 13, 2010 | 3 Comments

For every absent father, there is also one that is too present. And you could say the same for Mothers. For every absent parent, there is that parent that becomes SUPER-PARENT. I think one of the main problems in our relationship world is this pendulum that swings between these two worlds. Absent and Present.

We’ve all heard the adage that people seek to date/marry someone who is like our parent. Why do the experts say this?

Young Child Script (YCS): Studies show that as adults we still have childhood scripts playing in the background of our adult lives. As young children we idealize our parents and we set out as adults to replicate the way our childhood felt.

Older Child Script (OCS): The slightly older child script recognizes some of our parent’s imperfections & works to right the wrongs of our parent’s past. You remember those self-talk convos – ‘I’m never going to do…’ But alas the script is playing your favorite YCS tune at the same time – it feels so familiar; this must be the love of my mom/dad.

This is why you see generations of abusive behavior in families. At best we end up dysfunctional – but hey who isn’t?

Ok, back to the pendulum. Between the absentee and oh-so-ever-present parents we have created a HOt MeSS.

So, to all the single parents out there… tone it down. Let your kids see your mistakes. Hell, talk about them at family meetings. Tell on yourself!! Tell how much you f*cked up. Well, maybe not in those words. (And yes, you should not only have one on ones with your children, but family meetings, too). Quit creating environments that are going to lead your children to years of relationship heartbreak and disappointment.

It’s one thing to struggle to find the right person. It’s another thing to have unrealistic expectations about people and how they should love you. Your children will grow up to spend years searching high & low for a mini-me of you and claiming foul to every situation they couldn’t make perfect. Do you get it? We are all mentally on a mission to combine the YCS & the OCS within our adult world. At least give your kids a fighting chance. Get over yourself – you’re not perfect and families aren’t either. They should know this. Teach them compassion instead of perfection. We all strive to be God-like, but we will never be perfect.

Confession: I was sooo guilty of this and we as a family are working it out. There’s nothing perfect about me… well, maybe one thing… *smiles*

Next post! I AM A SUPER-PARENT’S KID: Shoot Me Now

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