So, the booty call doesn’t work for you?

I just helped someone work through a situation… actually it’s been a minute, I pulled this from the archives.

She was recently divorced; several months without sex, started networking with old friends, met an interesting man. He was selected without him knowing (you know how we do) to be a one-night stand or if he was worth it a maintenance man. It didn’t work. She caught something (not an STD). I don’t know what you would call it – feelings? Anyway, she struggled to figure out why she wanted more time. Hence, her question to me… what is wrong with me and why do I want more? As one of my readers, I didn’t know a whole lot about her, so I threw out some ideas, maybe some of you will identify with one or more of them.

1. You may want to have quality time with dude so you can lie to yourself or validate the fact that you’re sleeping with him. Are you spiritual? Does this relationship agree with your spiritual walk? Are you trying to trick yourself into thinking that if you break bread with him that it is better than just having sex? If this is the case, most religions have a no tolerance rule when it comes to premarital sex, therefore, you are only attempting to hide from who you are (a woman with sexual needs), because you’re definitely not tricking God. If #1 is true, reconcile the fact that you’re human, quit trying to be perfect, acknowledge that you’re in this situation, you don’t like it and ask God to help you. He made you who you are for a reason. Quit trying to hide from yourself; quit trying to compel, coerce, convince (manipulate) the man into a relationship. Figure out what it is about you that got you to this point. Taking a look at yourself may just lead you to your purpose; God’s purpose for your life. Why do I say this? God made you who you are for a reason. He knew you were going to make the decisions that you’ve made. What does He want you to do with these lessons?

2. You may not be or no longer are one of the women that can just have a sexual relationship. Everyone grows and changes, physically, spiritually, emotionally. If you’ve been able to operate like this in the past, you may be changing. Our culture has molded our thinking; women are supposed to be strong (period). It doesn’t matter the arena-work, home, spiritually, parental and marital relationships, etc. This has hardened us and I think it has contributed to the falsehood that women can “just have sex”. Yes, the act itself can be performed. I’m sure that some women, due to their own personal experiences in life can, do and continue to operate as such, but my belief is that God created us to seek love. You could say that He hard-wired our cookie to our hearts. Think back to when you first remember liking a boy. Did your clitoris get hard? Probably not. Again, I’m sure for some it may have, but I would say for the majority, we felt our hearts beat faster or butterflies in our stomach. Sex at it’s best is a full body experience, mind included. If #2 is true, end the relationship. It’s a simple decision.

(I hope I’m proving a point to some of you here. If your cookie isn’t attached to your heart, then why does this action seem to cut throat? Why are you hesitating?)

Let me answer this for you. I have a friend that often uses the term “peacock” when referencing a woman who is seeking attention. You know the women that show up to the event, spread those feathers and work it, they want all eyes on them. I’ve started using this in my conversation. I, being analytical, have expanded the analogy which I will share with you. It’s the male peacock that has the pretty feathers, not the female. Think about that. It’s the male that is supposed to spread his feathers and attract the female. Why are so many women running around trying to be the male peacock?

I know… what does this have to do with the question? Why are you reluctant to end the relationship? I would say that you have spent the last X number of weeks/months “Pea-cocking it”, showing your best moves, tricks, and flips. You wanted to be in control. You thought that with your skill set you would win this man over. He would want to spend time with you and develop a relationship. You would then be in the position to either embrace his decision to change the relationship or you would be able to reject him. Again, it’s about control – control is a form of manipulation. My answer in this case is still the same. Consider that you have lost the game and end the relationship. Don’t get caught up in his sincere comments about not wanting to stop the relationship. He’s winning, simply because he has nothing to lose.

Side note: Ladies, have you ever taken the time to research sex? Sex has been around since the beginning of time. (I laugh even as I type this because it’s so simplistic.) Look up ancient kama sutra. Do the positions depicted look familiar? Do you really think your moves, tricks and flips are original? I’m not saying that you’re not unique, but don’t let your ego play into a man’s agenda. It’s simple psychology. Your uniqueness should not begin and end with your cookie.

There is yet another layer to this. If you now know that your cookie was/is attached to your heart and you don’t want to end the relationship, what do you do?
You need to regain your power. (If you are married, do not do this; your situation is totally different). Stop sleeping with him. Don’t listen to the brothers who say this is playing games. If they want to continue to play the game (you); they need to buy (commit) to the game (you). Take inventory and define what it is that you want in a man. Does he have these qualities? Be specific. Don’t deny who you’re and what you want. If you want to live the millionaire lifestyle, don’t buy into the gold digger crap. It’s what you want. Stop resisting who you are and do you. Let’s say the list is 10 qualities long and he meets 7 and you can tell that HE is working on a couple of others (not that you think you can mother him or help him (manipulate) into working on the others). Have an open and honest conversation with him. Tell him that you have enjoyed the sexual relationship, but that you want more.

Be vulnerable and be prepared that you may lay it all out on the line just to be rejected. Operate from your heart and not your ego. Someone that is operating from their ego expresses themselves looking for similar reciprocation. They are saying, “I miss you or I love you”, because they want to hear it. If you are seeking an open, honest, aware relationship that agape love, then you should recognize that love is a gift. You give love with no egotistical expectation for reciprocation. If he wants to begin to develop a relationship, don’t let the familiarity that you have with him catapult you back into the bed. I would suggest that you take it even slower, because you need to identify his true intent. You’re working from a handicap.

Please don’t skip the inventory list and run around expressing yourself to everyone you meet. You have to be selective because this is a very vulnerable position to take. God is responsible for protecting your heart, but don’t be a fool. He gave you a mind to use.

Employ your mind, Protect your heart.